First post of the year! hmm.... As usual.. new year resolution! Well... Looking back at my resolutions last year, not bad! None of it came true... How cool is that?? I mean it! Because greater things came along. Seriously.. I have been telling everybody.. 2009 seems like a long long long year, in a very good way! 1) I have only been in New Creation for slightly more than a year.. But I felt as if I've been here for the longest time! Don't get me wrong! It's not because I have been dreading.. But because I was able to fully integrate into this whole new community! There are so much similarities between New Creation and my secondary school life! So many of them were my seniors, juniors from Kuo Chuan. The friends I've made here.. Although it's been a year, I can clique real well with them! In addition.. I've grown so much spiritually this year! So many breakthroughs and so surprises. God has been damn good to me man!! :D 2) I have been through so many different curves, up, down, turn this year. Started off the year with a pseudo breakup.. Operation.. Low volume and low productivity at work.. Japan and Aussie trip... Switching to my dream job... Brought my mum to church service... The real breakup (very clean one)... Church Camp... Difficulties at work... Best friend's solemnisation... Christmas+NY with CG... I have had real sad moments and real happy times. It's like almost impossible for a person to experience so much in a year! That's why I felt like this year has been a long long year... Well.. Good or no good, Happy or unhappy... Life goes on. It's like a present. I am unwrapping God's present for me as I past each day. That's how we grow. This year, 2010, will be a even more eventful and good year! Because God has already went ahead and declared it to be good! Yeah!!! Although at the back of my head.. I dread this year because I am passing the 25 mark!! The next mark will be 30!!!!! *faintz* Anyway.. my resolutions this year is very different. Because they are more like wishlist and are going to be kept with Jesus. I am going to see them come true one by one! a) Life partner (this is kind of a standard for everyone in the ministry :P) b) Financial abundance within my family c) My family will come to receive Christ d) Greater responsibilities and recognition at work e) Getting to know God better through His Words f) Wisdom to share the gospel and be a testimony to people around me. g) Great health within my family and my friends h) Deeper relationship between me and my family and friends i) Renewal of youth j) Lead my days without worries, fear or sorrow. Everyday will be happy, delightful and secure! It's more than 2 weeks since my last entry... Not because I was busy, not because I was lazy... I just don't want to turn this place into a self-pitying space. So I've been trying to restrain myself. But today, I give up. Somehow, if I don't visit this space today, I will go crazy. There's nobody I can speak to... except this space and God. Friends are after all human. They have their own life, they have their own problems. I can't bore them with the same old things over and over again. Honestly, there are times where I hope God can just bring me away. I really hate going through these vicious cycles... Things get so difficult, I no longer have the energy to face them again and again. I have tried so hard to get distracted, I have tried so hard to disregard, I have tried so hard to be convinced by the Word.. But why aren't things getting easier? 如果我這一睡可以永遠都不醒, 那該多好... A tourist came up to me during lunch and asked: Where to take free shuttle bus to Flyer? I managed to point to him the correct location. I almost forgot that I actually know where is it. It's only when he asked, I recalled that exactly a year ago, I was looking for the same place as well. Waited for 30 min before heading off to Flyer to just get the tickets... It's been a year already!!!!!!!!!! Went ktv with Celest and Qiuping on Thurs night. I realised that there are too many songs that can make me cry nowadays. (記得，新不了情，你快樂嗎，我們怎麽了 etc...) It's really not a good idea to go KTV or listen to ipod/radio. Especially when I'm alone. After considering for a few days, I still decided to send that sms. Isn't that abit too much? Just a simple sms with less than 20 words, it actually took 5 days for me to decide... whatever the case, till the day I completely forget, I will always be trapped in this dilemma. Was listening to radio and heard a song that ends with this sentence. You probably would have thought that I must have cried while listening to this. But believe it or not, I didn't. Even I was surprised. But these few days have been like this. I can still feel the tinge of sadness inside. Whenever my phone goes off, I would quietly hope it's him. Whenever I am on msn, I hope he will be there. Whenever I am on FB, I wish that he will add me back. Everynight I come home, I want to be surprised by seeing him at my void deck. At the same time, whenever I am alone, I keep telling myself to cry... But nothing come out. Even when I heard/sing sad songs, nothing come out. Even when I try to recall things about him and us, still nothing come out. Just that tinge of sadness. This is when I know God is at work. The reason I'm hoping that he will get in touch with me is, I was looking for trace to prove that he still cares. I was hoping he will finally make an effort for me. But God showed me that, if he were to come contact me again, I might be happy at that very moment. 可是那然后呢？ I will start the whole vicious cycle again. So yup! I will still miss him for awhile, but I know it will all go away very soon. Cheryl looked surprised when I told her, I've totally cut contact and did not add him back to FB. She then asked me "那你们不是朋友了啦?" I was quite taken aback by this question. It did not cross my mind at all. After giving it some thought and hesitation, I replied "Ah. 我们不是朋友了" That tinge of sadness was there again. Together with it, came the feeling of pity. 曾经我很白痴地以为我们当不了情人可以当朋友. 现在终于明白是不可能的... 一年就够了. 我可不想一辈子的白痴.  | 你也已經自由了 | Nov 2, '09 11:04 AM
for everyone |
Finally, Finally, Finally! After one whole year... I am finally determined enough to let it go. I didn't wanted to do so before.. because I was confused. I once thought that he was the one. I once thought that I don't mind sharing his burden as long as he treats me well. I once thought that I can be selfless enough to look beyond the selfishness. I once thought that maybe one day I will become more important in his life. I once thought that as long as we continue to be friends, we will be together one day. I once thought that he still has feelings for me. I once thought that he enjoyed the time we've spent together. Wrong wrong wrong! Everything was just me and my own thinking. He actually doesn't want to go out with me 1-on-1, he is doing it only because we have no common friends. He actually loves himself more than any other thing/person in this world. No matter what I do or how long it takes, I am never going to be as important as he is to him. Always defensive... Just like a little kid refusing to learn from his mistakes. If he ever going to read this, he is probably defending every single point I've stated here. Hey! Don't be mistaken. I am not angry yah? ;) I am just stating some facts. I still love him even after realising all these. I was actually, seriously, honestly going to accept all of these. I was ever ready to say sorry and admit my faults. Because I actually love him enough to take all the blame onto myself. Yes. How foolish.. Until one day God showed me: "You are my child and you deserve better. You just have to trust me and make space for my blessings. To make space for my blessings, you have to let this one go. Be it this one or the other rich one, the next one I have for you, will be far better." Amen! What a good God I have. God also showed me another reason why I was so reluctant to let go. Probably because I am lazy to get to know someone all over again. I just keep praying that this one will work out and save me all the hassle of getting to know someone new. What a wrong thinking! So there you go, a new me, waiting for God's overwhelming blessings and favours. No more guessing, no more pretending. He is now free and so am I. No more sitting around, waiting to lead on. No more sms/msn/FB to cause my mood to swing. No more rejections that could potentially set me into depression. I also no longer have to defend him in front of all my friends. Yes my dear friends, I was blind... But now I see! :D The 8 tissues worth of tears in 80 minutes last night marked the end. God will see me through and I declare this in Jesus's name: I am not going to spend 1 more minute or 1 more tissue of tears on this. Whatever comments he has, whatever things he display will have no longer have any effect on me. Neither will I be sad nor angry. For His righteousness in me stands high. Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for responding to my last minute ice-cream/dinner calls. Thanks for feeling sad for me. Thanks for fighting for me in spirit. Thanks for supporting me regardless of my decision. Like I always said, 我沒有朋友的，但是我有你們就夠了. I shouldn't have allowed myself to dig out those dust-buried gifts. I shouldn't have allowed myself to continue grief over things that have long passed. I shouldn't have allowed myself to hold on to things that was meant to be let go. I shouldn't have allowed myself to continue hoping. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be placed in such a vulnerable position. Countless of "I shouldn't have". Did anyone of them lead to regrets? Probably. But I am determined to cut them one by one. Had this sudden urge to let go again.... Somehow this thing comes and go.. Today, I may feel damn damn damn depressed and sad... will feel like listening to sad songs and make myself cry.. (i think i am mentally unsound) But a few days later, I will just feel so relieved and happy. Feel like I am in love... Half of the rest of the time.. I will be having mental struggles... My heart and mind will start fighting, arguing over what I should do or should not do. But most of the time.. Heart wins... And right after my heart takes the lead, I start to regret. Damn weak right? But the other half the time... it's like now.. I am rational and my mind has absolute control over my heart. I know what are the things I should do and what are the things I should not. Oh God... why can't I be in this state everyday??? Can I pray for it? It really feels good to be rational. I won't hate myself for doing things which I will regret later. I won't feel the big difference from going up and down.. It's very taxing for the body and mind when one go through so many different emotions at one time. I made a big mistake at work. The mistake was executed on Friday, found out today... I caused my trader to have a PV of -57,720. It's absolutely my fault and my mistake. He was right reprimanding me. Today is Australia's holiday. He supposed to have today off. But because of my mistake, he needs to come back office to cover his losses. After he calmed down, he went back to normal and probably managed to cover his losses. But I still feel guilty. I believe he wouldn't trust me anymore :( My friend, who is also my mentor at job, trusted me with the job. But I have proved to be a disappointment. I held back my tears in office, making sure it will not flow down. Even at home. I don't want my parents to keep asking. I can only let go now.. just before I go to bed. How I wish time can be turned back... And I will definitely not be complacent... This is the first time I felt so defenseless, disappointed in myself. In the past, I always have explanation for my mistakes... But not this time. I was actually trembling on my way home from office. Not because I am afraid. Not because I need to give accountability. But because I am so guilty and disappointed in myself and I felt so helpless........ 02 Oct 2009 was one of those days... One of those days where I felt really depressed and vulnerable. I felt sad and extra sensitive for basically everything that happened. From little things like friends not being able to have lunch with me, to having to eat take in for lunch, to a friend failing her IVF. For reasons I can't even remember, I was on the verge of crying every other hour. It's really quite insane. Am I right to say that every human being would have moments like this? Though I admit it happens to be on a more regular basis than others. But I must say, I am proud of myself. I've manage to take control of the emotions and not let it affect me too much. It wouldn't be possible in the past. Guess God is having a larger control over my life these days. Proverbs 29:25 - Fear of a man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. No matter how confused I am, when I look to my Lord, things are simplified. No matter how insecure I am, when I look to my Lord, I see assurance. No matter how vulnerable I am, when I look to my Lord, strength is within reach. No matter how disappointed I am, when I look to my Lord, I realised I shouldn't be for I have been abundantly blessed by Him. | Happy | Sep 22, '09 10:22 AM
for everyone |
Past few days have been happy!! Although previous week was real bad.. Sore throat, fever, cough... It's been a week and I've not fully recovere. Still coughing like mad. But nonetheless, I am still in good mood these few days! Weekend wasn't quite exciting. Since I am sick, I decided to stay home and recuperate. Didn't want to go back to work feeling moody... But a pleasant surprise came! hahahaa... My beautiful distraction sms me!! hehehe... Public holiday was great too! Had a great time at Iluma+Bugis+Takashimaya! Had a prettily done ice-cream dessert and tried many different types of mooncakes at Taka!! cool! Went shopping too. Just very simple stuff and stuff we always do.. But somehow it was different that day~ Perhaps it's God's love that made the difference =D Just finished a taiwanese drama and this song is in season for me! 如果我說愛我沒有如果 錯過就過你是不是會難過 若如果拿來當藉口 那愛是不是有一點弱 如果我說愛我沒有如果 真的愛我就放手一搏 還想什麽還怕什麽 快牽起我的手 I have just completed the sixth week at MO. It's been alright so far. Love the job, love what I'm doing. It's exciting and good to know that responsibility is much bigger. Well... It is after all a job... it's impossible to like everything. Don't enjoy the fact that I can't take leave as and when I like. Don't like the fact in the lack of flexibility. Guess I've been spoilt from my previous team. It's time to be out of comfort zone to face new challenges! I have been waking up at 630am for the past week.. and the week to come. I can't even remember the previous stage of my life that I wake up so early... Probably JC times... Yes. New challenges. This is definitely one of them. Enough of my job. Entertainment wise, I have been watching movies almost every week. Latest ones were District 9 and Time Traveller's Wife. Both movies have their own group of fans... But I can't say I like them... Guess I will probably stop visiting cinema for a couple of weeks. Besides movie, all of a sudden.. people around me are talking about bowling. Different groups of people are all going bowling. My CG, my ex-colleague, my traders, my best friends. Wonder if the trend is back. Oh! How can I miss CONNECT 09??? I have to report for duty at 8am on a Saturday... Just as I drag myself out of bed... The event turned out to be great fun!!! I played lots of WII!! Thank God for the enjoyable time even while serving :D Family... My Dad came back for my grandma's birthday.. Things are very much the same as usual.. Except my grandparents had a huge quarrel that day. It's been years since they last did that. Uttered really nasty stuff at each other. Nothing much I can do.. I can't possibly join in right? All I can do is trust that God will turn all things well. Lastly... relationship is still blank. I learnt that somebody is attached recently. With a someone I don't quite expected. Well.. The girl says that she opened her eyes simply because he treats her like a princess, from good food to LVs to holidays. Yeah~ That really sounds appealing doesn't it? Sorry to be thick skin... the truth is.. I could have been that princess. But I chose not to. I am just proud that I was given such a chance. I am even prouder that I chose to be true to God, true to my heart. Now that I am left with nobody, but I still believe. I still trust that someone better is on his way. God promised me. =D I bought the concert tickets since January. It's now finally here. To sum up the two days concert - Not only am I not disappointed, I was overwhelmed by it. It brought to my attention how much Ashin has improved over the years. He did not go out of tune or lose his voice at all! His condition on day 2 was generally better than day 1. From someone who used to only receive compliments for his songs and lyrics, I think the time has come for him to receive compliments for his singing. This is a very touching and genuine concert. Compared to all those before. I really felt the sincerity in their words. No doubt certain segments are still pre-arranged. Just when I thought I will no longer lose my cool while watching their concert, I shouted and screamed and sang along and jumped throughout. Especially day 2. I was much nearer to the performers and with a much enthusiastic crowd around me. Just when I thought I no longer want to go supper, the day 2 concert just blew me away. Standing in the stadium, listening to thousands of others singing their songs tgt, I felt a great deal of warmth. Thinking back to the days when I first like them, they were still unable to draw such a big crowd. Concert were only at Expo. They have to come Singapore 5, 6 times a year to promote themselves. They are much popular now. But I miss those days where there were only 3, 4 tables at supper... I miss those days where fans behave orderly, knowing how to keep a distance.... Now....? sigh............ A question she hopes that she can ask very soon. The most ideal will be answer given to her without even her asking it. This will be the situation she is going to pray for! One week into my new job! Same company, different building, different colleagues and different jobscope. Glad to say that week one went on pretty well. I was trained on something simpler. Since the team is down with tight manpower. Nobody really has time to teach me. Thank God that the thing I was taught is very very similar to what I have been doing for the past two years. So, life was easy. But I kept reminding myself not to be complacent. In case I get careless! I know things will get tougher and tougher. Definitely need more wisdom. So for all those out there reading this, do pray for me yah ;) Not just handling with all the information and knowledge, also the wisdom to deal with interpersonal relations. Oh and one more thing!! I have finally included Andrea as part of my name. This is official! (official as in office email, phone ext., facebook) that's about it.. So to new friends, my name is Andrea! To my old ones, still Peirong lah~ It's been my office, my second home for the past two years. The time I spent there is probably more than the time I spent at home (awake). That probably explains the tinge of sadness I had while walking out of the building yesterday. Suddenly realised that was probably the last time I am knocking off from it... Along with my farewell with ORQ, I bid farewell to the DSC Docs team. The place where I gained ALL my knowledge. Although I could have learnt more if I were to be more hardworking :P But I am still thankful. From JAL to CS Docs and now to MO. I don't deserve any of these. There is absolutely nothing I did that could bring me here. It's all by God's grace and favour. I am now all ready and looking forward to my new workplace! Although it's still the same employer, the excitement is no less than me going to start a brand new job!! After all, it's been more than two years since I have such feelings :D Got to know about some stuff over the weekend. This has indeed been an informative weekend. Although knowing certain things make me feel sad, uncomfortable, inferior and all sorts of negative emotions... I still prefer to know than to be in the dark. While I was still wondering and guessing, I can now be sure and probably knows what I should do next. I shall be silent. Like my tag in Facebook. 有些感覺是不需要說出來的. Especially if it doesn't benefit anybody. Especially if I will be the one getting hurt after saying out. Don't worry... I am fine... Just that when it comes to such thing, I need to take some time to adjust and digest... I am currently lost... but I know it will not be long before a clearer picture is presented to me. Lastly, thank GOD that my life is not just a simple, smooth-sailing, boring journey. But instead, it's filled with adventure, complications and excitement. We had a great sharing session at CG today. Patrick asked us to right on a paper heart, what are the things you are trusting GOD for this year? I wrote 6. 1) Trust that GOD will provide me a career of my heart's desire 2) Trust that GOD will clear all my debts. Financial freedom will be acheived 3) Trust GOD for a life partner 4) Trust GOD for continuous spiritual growth. 5) Trust GOD that more of my friends will come to know Him through Christ. 6) Trust that GOD will bless my friend with a career of his heart's desire and the ability to understand why did GOD shuts some of the doors repeatedly. I was blessed by Esther with Philippians 1:6 - being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. | Random | Jul 13, '09 10:22 AM
for everyone |
Celest: 你還喜歡他 right? Yixuan: Confirm loh! 你看她的臉! Peirong: 我真的真的已經不喜歡他了! Yixuan: 真的meh? Peirong: 真的!!! Qiuping: Den 爲什麽剛才KTV 你會哭? Peirong: !)@(#&$)*%^$*# My stupid friends!!! I cried while singing a song about friendship... they actually thought I was crying over my ex-boyfriend!!! Go die lah!! I am so so so disappointed >.< But still.. Thank God they brought up this topic and manage to clarify... If not.. they would never understand the story behind my tears... *sniff sniff* ********************************************************************************************************** Okok.. call it 眼光高 or picky or choosy or whatever!!! 不喜歡就是不喜歡! 沒感覺就是沒感覺! I strong believe that Daddy God knows what is best for me. It's not up to what my friends or family say... It's up to Him, and Him alone! Be it life partner or life-long career. He opens doors no one can shut and He shut doors no one can open =D | Be Still | Jun 13, '09 12:15 PM
for everyone |
Finally gone to service today. I can't even remember when was the last time I went.. Probably a month ago. Due to my trips and being quarantined... I miss service!!! Although I drag going for event's meetings, I still went, believing that things will turn out good. And it did. During meetings, I just felt so enjoyable, excited and thankful to be there! To join the event's team has probably been one of the best decisions I've made this year. Although it's taking up quite abit of my time, I am actually receiving alot from the team, from my leader. Today's sermon was about standing still in the events of conflicts. As children of God, with the righteous of Jesus, neither should we fight nor flee. Instead, we should be still, knowing that it's God that is fighting our battle. Know that after moments of trials, we will emerge with a new dimension of anoiting. Amen! Not only was the sermon good, the fellowship with my events team was fantastic as well. Sharing by the leaders just brought light and answers. There were questions we dare not ask, there were doubts we can't clear. Today, it was all cleared. I've made a right choice to break from my CG (just for today). Not forgetting the camp registration! Cool man! I totally love doing such PR stuff. Well, my initials is PR after all.. =D After almost six months, I finally had the courage to take a look at what I wrote back then. I realised it was quite short! Compared to what he wrote. Don't ask me why I didn't have the courage earlier. I don't even know what was I afraid of. A thought came to me while staying at home these few days.. Not exactly a new thought. It's more like a reminder, reminding me that everything was just a game. Yup! It was. Right from the very very beginning. More than a year ago, feeling naughty, I set a few traps, gave myself some challenges. To be very honest, I didn't expect people to fall for it. I thought I would fail. But I actually succeeded. Not just one or two. But every single one of them. How cool is that? Just when I should be feeling proud of myself, I got lost. I totally forgot that I was in a game. End up getting hurt and lots of repercussion which wouldn't have happened if I obeyed the rules. It was a game and I got too serious... You probably think that I am just finding an excuse.. But if I were to tell you exactly what I have done, you will probably condem me. I am not as innocent as I might seem to be.. really.. Probably those were the punishment for the things I've done. | |
